judith cockman

EXPLODE excerpt one

SHE

Can you still see me?
Child?
Your face isn’t clear, but I can see your eyes …
I have fed and nourished you with good intentions.
Remember me? I’m Mother.

Mother is God. To a child.  

I’ve carried you, oozing dirt and feces, mile after mile under a blazing sky,
My useless breasts bruised under your weightlessness,
carried you, to where?
A bowl of powdered milk your lips were too crammed with flies to drink

You’re hungry?
I’m sorry. I’ve nothing left to give.

Bombs shrieking, blasting blasting blasting
Your terror, your open mouth screams,
But I can’t hear them
because of the screeching … all around …
Your eyes, wild!

mother is god to a child

Shall I put you to bed?
My precious my precious my love
(sings) All men are born of lovers

Your screams
I Can hear them!
Your terror!
The bombs everywhere everywhere everywhere!
Your eyes Wild!
And I, What?!
Telling you What?! HEAVEN CAN’T WAIT???!!
your screams your screams as your little body goes up in flames …
IT’S OKAY MOMMA’S HERE?


SHE and MEZZO mixed

Explode
Explode
Implode Backload
Upside down in and round you’ve got me
taking me down to the ground
Down down down
You take me down
You take me down to the hole in the ground
the hole in the ground
You leave me gaping at the hole in the ground
my hole in the ground
big enough for me
you leave me at the whole big enough for me
lay me down
down intheground
cover my face with dirt and ground snails
I’m covered I’m gone

I’m lost to the stars
gone gone gone
no more you boohoo boo hoo
you made me die with your holes
in the sky
you made me cry with your holes
in the sky
wanted to live
Wanted to Live
wanted to become
somebody
this little girl still a little girl
wanted to become Somebody
wanted to laugh wanted some joy
wanted to fall in love with some boy
could have been me
you see yousee it could have been me

silent at last
eyes closed at last nothing to see not me not me
dirt up my nose eyes closed
eyes closed
muffled mouth cries
oh my
oh my
what have you done to me what have you done
to me where is the sky oh my oh my
where are the stars and the lights in the sky
what is this light not my light
what are these sounds
ringing in my head
sounds of the dead
No sound of the living for me?
Singing and living not for me?

I’m scared i’m so small God won’t see
me at all my grave is a button on the
whole of the ground
I’m tiny and small
I’m a weeping willow
where’s my brother my mother
where’s me
It’s too dark for me here
oh dear oh dear
I can’t sleep I can’t breathe I can’t see
dirt sucks up my nose
my eyes are punched closed
I’m no longer a child who can breathe
who can eat who can see who can
sing
why won’t you let me sing can’t I sing can’t I sing
can’t I play what did I say to make you
hate

me

I’m scared and I’m hurt I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared

there’s nothing left but cold and stuck breath
oh how
oh how
how can I breathe in here
how can I breathe in here
how can I see in here
stuck in my throat
oh no oh no!
help mehelp me help me

(HE punctuates, mixed voices)

GUILTY OF INNOCENCE
sentence suffering
sentence anguish
sentence end of life end of breath
terror
oh do you know terror do you
know terror terror terrorterror

where’s mommy where’s mommy mommy
mommy my hand’s gone!
where am I who is this what are you doing?


HE

There’s a man with a gun over there
I’m trying to ignore him
but I can’t
I’m trying to get away
but he’s pointing it at me
It’s pointed at me
Toward you
there’s a man pointing a gun at me
toward you

the gun is pointed at us

He’s holding it in his right hand
supported by his left

His hair is ragged and grayish
He’s wearing glasses
Not fashionable
His shirt is clean but unbuttoned
at the neck
He’s beltless
The tear in his right pant leg was
caused by a dog.
His own dog.
A schnauzer
11 years old with dry patches of skin and a cyst on it’s
forehead

the cyst squished the other day
in this man’s hand

He hasn’t eaten properly in a few weeks
subsisting on peanut butter
chips coke candy bars
He has a headache
He watches television late at night and
generally fondles himself while he does so
He rarely ejaculates
When he does, he doesn’t wash himself
He occasionally drinks beer with an acquaintance from work who will say he seemed
like a nice guy if
somewhat
paranoid

He has no-one to phone for chit chat
He depends on his dog for that
But he rarely talks to the dog.
Sometimes doesn’t bother to feed him
the dog is too tired to care

His apartment is one room with a
kitchenette
No light enters the room

He washes the dishes every morning
before going to work as a security guard
in a downtown apartment building

The building is in some disrepair
The front door lock is malfunctioning
The security system is old and
temperamental

There will be no hostages
The gun holds 122 bullets
released at a speed of 10 bullets per
second
He purchased it through unknown sources, possibly on a trip to
Windsor
where he did some
gambling

His father is dead and his mother lives alone
in Pembroke He’s not been to visit her in seven
years at which time she didn’t bother to cook for him

His mother will say he was always
a removed sort of boy
Not very communicative
Kept his emotions to himself
But you know what they say
She’ll say
Still waters
run deep
copyright(c)judithcockman1994

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